Cameroon 2 – 4 Egypt

And that’s it. Cameroon 2 – 4 Egypt. So the reigning champions make off with the three points. Cameroon were much improved in the second half, but Geremi and Eto’o apart, still weren’t very good. Egypt however looked decent – and Zidan could be a genuine star. Anyway, sorry to be abrupt, but that’s me outta here.

90 min: PENALTY! AND GOAL! Cameroon 2 – 4 Egypt. Fathallah is penalized for… I know not what. And given this odd affair occurred in the area, that’s a penalty. Eto’o’s kick isn’t great, but it goes through Al Hadari’s hands and into the net. Eto’o is now the third player to score two goals in this match.

88 min: Bikey nearly allows Moteab to scoot free by standing and pointing at a high ball awhile like a catalog model. Atouba spares his blushes by coming over to assist. Moawad is replaced by the pleasingly slim frame of Shady.

85 min: That should have been a second for Cameroon: good harrying from Epalle down the right as he wins a ball he had no right to win and hammers a cross across the face of goal. Idrissou nearly gets a toe to it – and should have done – but misses.

81 min: WHAT A GOAL!!! Cameroon 1 – 4 Egypt. From the ridiculous to the sublime. First Alex Song tries to kick Terika up the hole, a proper comic-book punt. However he takes a fresh-air swipe and clean misses. Soon the Egypt midfielder is delivering some karmic payback, feeding the ball to Hosny, who thrashes a daisy cutter into the bottom right corner.

79 min: Binya, who was probably daydreaming about clamping electrodes to the testicles of promising young Scottish midfielders, loses possession in the center circle; Shawky momentarily breaks clear but falls over. There’s not really a great deal happening here.

76 min: Shawky romps clear down the left and should surely cross early to Moteab in the middle. However he opts to fanny about instead, allowing Rigobert Song to get across and put a boot in.

74 min: The pace of this match has dropped a wee bit: Egypt seem pretty happy to let Cameroon pass it round in the middle of the park; whenever the ball gets as far upfield as the box, they sweep up with ease.

71 min: That utter thug Binya, who tried to kill Celtic and Scotland midfield genius Scott Brown in the Champions League earlier this season, picks up a booking for perambulating up and down Moteab’s legs.

70 min: Moawad makes Bikey look even more average than usual, skinning the big defender down the left wing and unleashing a shot which only just misses the right-hand post.

68 min: The simply wonderful Zidan is replaced by Mohamady; a move to shore things up by Egypt there, I’ll be bound.

66 min: The Cameroon of the first half suddenly puts in an appearance, as the green-shirted back line disintegrates once again, letting Moteab scoot clear in the center. Only Rigobert Song responds, and it’s his late lunge which saves the day at the last. That really could have been it.

63 min: Al Hadari does brilliantly to punch away a deep cross from Atouba. Then seconds later, with his back to goal, Eto’o picks the ball up on the edge of the area, sells Fathallah a dummy which sees the Egyptian full-back sliding away at speed on his harris, then turns and sends a low shot fizzing just wide left. That was utterly brilliant and so nearly Cameroon’s second. A real game of two halves, is what this is.

61 min: At least Cameroon are showing some spirit now, because that first-half display was dreadful. They’re enjoying much more possession now. Geremi in particular is seeing a lot of the ball, swinging ball after ball into the Egyptian area from the right.

59 min: Amr Zaki is replaced by Abo Terika, who is a playmaker, so we’re told. We’ll see.

56 min: This is all about Geremi at the moment. It’s yet another cross from the right, one which Idrissou can’t quite keep in play at the far post. “I wonder how much Chelsea are going to splash out for Zidan in the next week or so?” wonders Christian Oquendo. Aren’t they more into big names who aren’t quite as good as they were two years ago, though? I imagine the bid for Eto’o is lodged already.

53 min: Egypt are rocking here. Geremi pelts down the right and swings a wonderful cross into the center; Eto’o thinks about an overhead kick but his split-second indecision is fatal and the chance is gone.

51 min: GOAL! Cameroon 1 – 3 Egypt: OK, we’re up and running again – and so perhaps are Cameroon: Geremi crosses from the right and Eto’o heads deftly – and bravely – past the advancing Al Hadari into the net. Is this the start of the mother of all comebacks?

46 min: Sorry for the slow updates. Our production tools are like an old dog. And I’m useless. Moawad is booked for a niggly tussle with Binya.

And we’re off again: “Are Cameroon actually there or is this digital jiggery pokery?” wonders Alex Gale. They are actually there, in the physical sense at least. Alex Song and Emana come on for Cameroon; at the moment I’m only sure that Nguemo has been replaced, so I’ll have to get back to you.

Half-time: Cameroon 0 – 3 Egypt. It may as well be full-time. This is over.

45 min: GOAL! Cameroon 0 – 3 Egypt. Zidan is simply brilliant. He chests down a poor clearing header by Song, shifts the ball onto his left foot, and from outside the area unleashes an unstoppable thriver into the top-right corner of the net. That is majestic. Actually, it’s not majestic, it’s majestic. Cameroon are eye-bleedingly awful, though, it has to be said.

44 min: Rabou has an effort from a free kick, 35 yards out. It’s dreadful. Did you see Steven Gerrard’s mildly amusing attempt last night against Aston Villa, which found the top left corner of the Kop? Yes, that bad.

42 min: Geremi takes a free kick from a dangerous position on the right. Al Hadari comes out and flaps at it, but despite missing the ball there’s no danger for Egypt as the ball is way too high; only Idrissou gets anywhere near it. Goal kick.

39 min: Zidan has been hit in the mouth by a flailing arm. He lies down for a bit, then gets up and wanders around bent double, like a man who has just taken five bullets in the chest. Unlike a man who has just taken five bullets in the chest, he doesn’t then fall over, vomit fleshy matter, then expire in a pool of bubbling blood; he merely rubs his nose upon realizing nobody is giving him attention any more, stands up straight, then starts jogging around again like nothing has happened.

37 min: If anyone’s playing well for Cameroon, it’s Atouba. He twists and turns down the left and skins Fathallah; his cross is headed clear by Said. But that’s better. Meanwhile the Lions make a tactical change, taking off Makoun and replacing him with Binya.

35 min: Cameroon finally get something nearly on target, Atouba swinging a ball into the box from the left, Idrissou nutting it wide left, but reasonably close to the goal, sort of. “It’s not just the football, the celebrations sound a lot more exciting than in the Premiership too,” writes Joe Meredith. Mr Potato Shoes vs Look, I can make an A with my fingers – no contest, is there?”

32 min: Hold on, there’s Eto’o. He’s standing on the edge of the area in a volcanic funk, the ball sailing miles over his head and into touch. Cameroon are not playing well. “What arcane rule did the ref use to order a re-take of the spotter?” wonders Aiden O’Keeffe. “Oh, I see – it’s Rule 47c Subsection 11 which states that ‘if a kicker does an Aldridgeism, the penalty must be re-taken’. Is that Rigobert Song that’s playing for Cameroon?” Yes. “I stood beside him once in a queue for ice-cream in London during his sojourn with West Ham. He got a large cone with no flake.” Anyone else ever spotted a former Premiership footballer purchasing dairy-based products? Perhaps you once clocked Oyvind Leohnardsen purchasing a pint of semi-skimmed milk, or Nicky Summerbee buying a Fruit Corne… actually, let’s not bother.

27 min: Zidan is brilliant. Whenever he gets the ball Egypt step up a gear; here he is romping into the Cameroon half again, eating up the yards and sending Fathi clear down the right; the resulting cross is too deep and swept up by Atouba, but that’s another aesthetically pleasing move from the reigning champions. Cameroon meanwhile appear to be totally useless. Has Eto’o touched the ball yet? Why am I asking you?

24 min: Cameroon enjoy a bit of time in Egypt’s half, but can’t get the ball into the danger areas. Eventually Epalle snaps and lumps a hopeless forward pass into the stands, almost as if he’d suddenly got sick of the futility of life. “The Prem not interesting? How can you say so?” writes Pramod Hegde. “I have been watching Titus ‘I am lost here’ Bramble week in week out.” It’s kind of bittersweet fun, though, isn’t, like Reggie Perrin, or that episode of Blackadder where they all magically turn into poppies.

21 min: Corner for Cameroon after a deep Geremi cross is headed behind. The delivery is utterly appalling. There must be someone, somewhere in the world who can take a decent corner. Surely?

18 min: In between the goals, Rabou was booked for a deliberate handball. This isn’t much of a representation of 18 mins, but this is simply the way it’s got to be.

15 min: GOAL! Cameroon 0 – 2 Egypt. Actually, Cameroon don’t appear to have bothered to field any defenders whatsoever. What a couple of minutes for Egypt. Cameroon swing a free kick into the Egyptian box, but it’s headed clear. Zidan sprints upfield with the ball, plays a quick one-two with Shawky, and is suddenly clear in the Cameroon half! He advances towards goal and makes no mistake, sliding the ball past Kameni and into the bottom right corner. That’s a brilliant break, a wonderful finish, and a preposterous celebration – he takes his boot off and juggles it like a hot potato.

14 min: GOAL! Cameroon 0 – 1 Egypt. Hosny steps up, takes a brilliant John Aldridge stutter, and sidefoots home into the bottom corner with Kameni confused and embarrassed, rocking back and forth in the centre of the net on his arse. The referee doesn’t like the Aldridgeisms, though, and orders a retake. No bother: Hosny simply belts the ball into the roof of the net.

12 min: Penalty to Egypt! Cameroon don’t appear to have bothered to field a left-back. Zidan scoots down the right and whips in a cross. It pings around the box for such a long time that he eventually pops up himself on the other side of the area, where he delivers another ball – and this time it’s handled by Bikey.

10 min: Zaki tears clear down the right; his whipped cross is headed out for a corner. Will the corner be as tactically witless as the ones we usually see in the Premiership? Yes.

8 min: Zidan is the star of the show so far; he nearly breaks clear down the right but Song does brilliantly to get a foot in and put a stop to his gallop.

4 min: What an effort from Zidan, whose looping volley from outside the area only just misses the top-left corner of the goal with Kameni stranded. It wouldn’t have counted, though, as Song had been pushed over and was bouncing round the shop on his ample buttocks.

3 min: Now Shawky takes a whack from 30 yards out. His long-range effort is much better than Idrissou’s cheeky skelp, and sends Kameni scrambling down at his left-hand post to smother. A lively start, this.

2 min: And immediately down the other end, Zidan breaks clear in the Cameroon box and should at least get a shot on goal – no, in fact he should have scored – but lets the ball clank between his legs and the chance is gone. “I’m not sure if ‘more entertaining than the Premiership’ should be where we are setting the bar today,” chides Christian Mason. “The commute home to catch the second half is usually more entertaining than the Premiership to be honest.”

And we’re off! Idrissou takes an immediate pop at goal; it’s a ludicrous effort along the ground from about 45 yards. Come on, show the keeper some respect.

The teams are out, and they’re waiting for the anthems to be played. And they’re waiting a very long time. It’s all because CAF suit Issa Hayatou, who is not wearing a suit, wants to shake everyone’s hand. Come on, get on with it. The band finally strike up, though I’m not sure what they’re playing; it sounds like a medley of Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band numbers on kazoo.

Egypt, winners in 1957, 1986, 1998 and 2006: El Hadari, Fathallah, Moawad, Gomaa, Hany Said, Fathi, Abd Rabou, Shawky, Zidan, Moteab, Zaki.
Subs: Abdel Monssef, Aboutriaka, El Mohamady, El Saeed, Fadl, Gamal, Hassan, Mohamed, Mostafa, Ibrahim Said, Shaaban, Sobhy.

Cameroon, who sashayed off with the pot in 1984, 1988, 2000 and 2002: Kameni, Song, Bikey, Atouba, Geremi, Makoun, N’Guemo, Epalle, Mbia, Idrissou, Eto’o.
Subs: Hamidou, Angbwa, Binya, Emana, Essola, Job, M’Bami, Mbarga, Nkong, Song Billong, Tchato, Tomou.

Referee: Modou Sowe (Gambia)

What have we got here? Two teams not on top of their game, that’s what. Holders Egypt made a right old song and dance of qualifying, don’t travel particularly well, and are missing suspended captain Ahmed Hassan, the injured Mido, and Derby’s Hossam Ghaly, who simply couldn’t be bothered to turn up. Cameroon meanwhile are, despite the presence of Barcelona’s Samuel Eto’o, nowhere near the team they were in their 1990s pomp. Hmm. Bah. It’s still going to be way more entertaining than the Premier League, though, isn’t it.

Tags: Cameroon, Egypt